Ahh, the little paper that mostly couldn’t. But, hey, we forgive you, and erase your past deluge of typos and appallingly infantile comment streams. Why? Ryder has made your news, which is fitting. After all, he delivered Klingon-opera-worthy drama on Stage 3 of the Tour.

That makes at least three times, by this writer’s count, that Spartacus Himself has had to chase down Ryder’s trail of fire, usually in the Tour of Eroica.

And now, Ryder’s resting 4th in the Tour, and with Vande Velde bashed out of his dreams, yet again (!), who knows what can happen. Ryder is the de facto GC-contender, and his wings are no longer clipped by domestique duty. Cross your fingers, Langford….

Here’s a little bike-to-work-week catharsis. Not a vehicle one would expect to have passed the Grey Poupon.

Remember, kids: wear a helmet when CRUSHING traffic.

It’s not about bikes, but it is about being Naked, painfully naked.

From the BBC:

Woman jailed for testicle attack

A woman who ripped off her ex-boyfriend’s testicle with her bare hands has been sent to prison.

Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage when Geoffrey Jones, 37, rejected her advances at the end of a house party, Liverpool Crown Court heard. She pulled off his left testicle and tried to swallow it, before spitting it out. A friend handed it back to Mr Jones saying: “That’s yours.” Monti admitted wounding and was jailed for two-and-a-half years. Sentencing Monti, Judge Charles James said it was “a very serious injury” and that Monti was not acting in self-defence. The court heard that Mr Jones had ended his long-term but “open relationship” with Monti towards the end of May last year. The pair remained on good terms and on 30 May she picked him up from a party in Crosby and went back for drinks with friends at Mr Jones’s house. An argument ensued and Mr Jones said there was a struggle between them.

In his statement, Mr Jones said she grabbed his genitals and “pulled hard”. He added: “That caused my underpants to come off and I found I was completely naked and in excruciating pain.” The court heard that a friend saw Monti put Mr Jones’s testicle into her mouth and try to swallow it. She choked and spat it back into her hand before the friend grabbed it and gave it back to Mr Jones. Doctors were unable to re-attach the organ. In a letter to the court, Monti said she was sorry for what she had done. She said: “It was never my intention to cause harm to Geoff and the fact that I have caused him injury will live with me forever. I am in no way a violent person.”

You can’t make this stuff up. “I was completely naked and in excruciating pain:” sounds like a bike race to me.

Wow.

He weathered the storms, the crashes, the domestique obligations, and was rewarded for his efforts. Epic win by Ryder. Epic. Better yet, it was claimed from a field of hungry hyenas, all vying for personal glory. After Ryder’s surge, on behalf of DZ, it looked to be over. Job done for the day. Money earned. But he hung on with a veracity worthy of the Montreal Canadians. And nothing against hockey, but Ryder went on to win.

Be sure to check out Ryder’s homepage for all the details on this, *sniff*, beautiful victory.

And to think: in a week’s time, he’ll he kicking local butt in the Robert Cameron Law Corporation Cycling Festival’s hill climb! C’mon Victoria tifosi, don your Devil costumes!

It was in the Ardennes
where the roads do bend
with corners fast and slick
that Ryder’s ride to Classics fame
was appointed on the quick

The peleton for all its might
was shrapnel by the end
whittled down, attack, attack
And Ryder it was
who helped to claw them back

With one hill to go
it was the final show
and all seemed dead and spent
knees buckled
muscles groaned
and all heads were bent

The line in sight
and with final fight
Ryder shakes hands with Pain
who with a push
and final sling
sees his glory gained

For those desperate to mash their taints and vagainuses even on their holidays, Copenhagen’s got your back, figuratively speaking. The Crowne Plaza Hotel in Denmark has a system of power-generating bikes set up to encourage the willing to pedal away their stay. The reward (beyond the green-cred, of course)? Food, glorious food. Such actions would, as a side-effect, max to bursting point the smug-o-metre on the guests who did so.

I would likely outsource such labours to any of the more girthy guests about the lobby.

Peter Day has proven, time and time again, that business need not be boring, elitist, or even capitalistic, and in the report below he scrutinizes and champions all things bike.

Listen to part one here.

Listen to part two here.

You can get Mr. Day’s podcasts here.

If you didn’t see it happen, then you missed an HAmazing points race, which Canadian Tara Whitten played like a shark. She was in the right places at the right times, and never by accident. It was this combination of tactical wit and tireless watts that had Whitten grab the gold medal.

And if that wasn’t enough, she set a sporting milestone for Canada as the first women’s omnium gold medalist. You see what happens, Canada, when we invest in our athletes? They rock the boards.

Read more about Whitten’s experiences here.

Get a wealth of details on the, ahem, official Naked Bicycles blog. Needless to say, the whole Naked family is frothing at the mouth with excitement, except for Sam, of course, who is conserving every once of sustenance he can to up the bar for the rest of the week.

And, a knuckle-scuffing bow to Barbara Buatois, who is the fastest European human ever at 75.458 MPH (121.437 KPH), and only the 4th person ever to go over 75 MPH.

If the weather stays warm and still, and both Sam and Barbara get acclimated to the elevation, which takes a few days, we could see faster times by the end of the week.

Follow the action here.

Even for a filthy immigrant like me, it’s hard not to shed a subtly jingoistic tear at Ryder’s ride. He had the cycling version of the Gordie Howe hatrick: he assisted the break, scored the win, and fought with the champagne cork. Apparently, he’s no Poulidor, the second-place icon extraordinaire. Two days before, Ryder was pipped on the line by a charging Gerrans. But, he beat Vino in the process. And, if this wasn’t enough, he delivered his win on a mountaintop finish.

The Vuelta’s been good to the likable Canuck. Last year, he shone on the climbs. Nice to see that lustre carry forward to gold. Do the man a favour and leave your congratulations on his website.  Maybe we can sink the site link he sunk Stage 12.